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Given the fact that Artificial Intelligence was used (not entirely convincingly) in Brazil’s successful final pitch for the 2027 Women’s World Cup, it is hopefully apt that we should start this postcard from Planet FIFA by wondering which group of people at the 74th FIFA Congress will be rendered obsolete first.
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For several years now, I have assumed that journalists will be among the first to be put out to pasture when the revolution really gets underway, and I have only hoped that I might squeeze a few more decent junkets out of the gig before the chatbots take over.
But after a week chasing FIFA president Gianni Infantino around Bangkok in the forlorn hope he might answer a question or two, I now think there are several professions more vulnerable than mine.
After all, who needs press officers if you never talk to the press?
Before you reach for your smallest violin, let me explain why Infantino’s decision to scrap the traditional post-congress media conference this week is more alarming than you might immediately think, and it has nothing to do with the fact that it is just bloody rude to invite people to travel thousands of miles to your event and then ignore them.
FIFA, for all its faults, does make pots of money — it is hoping to make more than $11billion (£8.7bn) from the 2026 World Cup alone — and it distributes that cash to its member associations so they can pay for grassroots pitches, youth development schemes and really fancy headquarters.
It is important work and about two thirds of FIFA’s 211 members are utterly dependent on the governing body’s support. But — and this may shock you — that money has not always gone to the right bank account.
Now, journalists can be annoying but they are pretty good at making sure the people they write and talk about do the things they say they will do, like use FIFA’s money for pitches, coaches, kids and referees, and not beachfront property in Miami.
You would think Infantino would know this, as he only has the crown because his predecessor lost control of what his courtiers were up to and his anointed successor, Infantino’s old boss, got caught in the crossfire.
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But having come in as the great reformer, the man who would open the shutters and let daylight do its disinfectant trick, Infantino has retreated to the shadows and now only communicates with people who do not work for him via Instagram and occasional appearances at conferences sponsored by billionaires, his favourite crowd.
So, this means he can make three vague promises about improving the rights of migrant workers in Qatar knowing most people will just forget about them. Or he can say that protecting the environment is a priority for FIFA while announcing, in almost the next breath, that one World Cup will be held in three continents and the one after will be hosted by the world’s biggest oil company Aramco. Without votes.
He can even say he believes FIFA lost its way before he took over because the old regime got too entrenched, only to sidestep the term limits he introduced so he can stay in power for a bit longer. And he can berate others for playing too much football while proposing the creation of new World Cups for under-15s and his jet-setting “legends”.
You can do all these things, and much more, when nobody ever asks you to justify them or reminds you that you said something else not so long ago. Like those pesky journalists do.
So, Gianni, do not hold media conferences for me — they are someway down the list of things I enjoy most about this job, for as long as it still is a job: hold them for you. Think of us as the slave on your chariot whispering “remember, you are mortal” in your ear while the crowds roar.
If not, we might be talking about AI FIFA delegates and presidents soon, too. The machines will not take long learning how you do it if you are determined to keep repeating the mistakes of the past.
OK, self-indulgent moan over, let’s pick through the bones of what Infantino did say in his presidential address, as he loves to sprinkle in a few clues as where this circus is heading next.
The first destination is a court or two, as he broke off his customary multilingual list of greatest hits to deliver a very blunt message to global players’ union FIFPro and the World Leagues Association, who have had the temerity to suggest FIFA has “saturated” the calendar with expanded events and new competitions.
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Infantino told them to pipe down and noted that FIFA is only responsible for about one per cent of the games the top stars play, which sounds like a lot when you remember that FIFA does not pay their wages.
Who is paying the players is not really the main issue here, though, it is whether the players will be fit enough to play after their 75th game in a 14-month season.
FIFA’s view appears to be, “it’s OK, just take a few mini-breaks during your domestic seasons, and maybe cut your leagues to 18 teams while you’re at it and bin that second cup competition, too”.
The Premier League’s view, as it is one of the most annoyed by FIFA’s calendar land-grab, is this is the thin end of the wedge and if the national leagues do not stand up to Infantino now, we are on a fast track to annual Club World Cups, regional super leagues and greatly diminished national leagues.
I have already mentioned that Infantino floated the idea of an under-15 World Cup, “that everyone should be able to send a team to play in”, and a global version of the FIFA-subsidised kickabouts with ex-pros that he organises for himself at congresses, but he casually threw in another expansion in his closing remarks: a 48-team Women’s World Cup in 2031, which would be a doubling of the event’s size in just eight years.
If only progress was so rapid on the development of FIFA’s rival to the massively popular computer game formerly known as FIFA.
For those of you have forgotten this tale of hubris, EA, the manufacturer of FIFA, bid Infantino “adieu” when he asked for $1billion for the right to use FIFA’s brand in the game that had made both of them so much money for three decades.
That was two years ago. The now renamed EA Sports FC is still coining it in but FIFA’s “we’ll make our own game, then” rival remains under wraps.
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“We are developing new partners and a new game, which, obviously, like everything we do, will be the best,” he said. “So, get ready for the new FIFA game.”
It is a nice line. But he delivered that at last year’s congress, too.
Speaking of games, it would be remiss of me not to share a few details from the aforementioned “Legends” tournament that has become a mainstay of these get-togethers.
I bumped into one boss of a European football federation as he was dashing for the bus to the venue for this year’s tournament and he said, “To be honest with you, I think it’s the biggest reason most of us still turn up”.
The venue was the Royal Bangkok Sports Club, which is usually a horse racing track with a golf course in the middle, but for one night only also had two mini-football pitches on one of its fairways, too. The spectacle seemed to bemuse the large lizard that was very slowly crossing the fairway next door.
In terms of the action, UEFA’s team featured its president Aleksander Ceferin as a Roberto Firmino-style forward, with Luis Figo and Andriy Shevchenko on either side of him and Clarence Seedorf running the show in the middle of the park.
I know what you’re wondering — “Has he still got it?”
Well, I am happy to confirm that he has: former Scottish Division One winner and current Scottish FA chief executive Ian Maxwell is still the rock on which the UEFA “legends” success is built.
They did not win this year’s tournament, though. I am not quite sure how, as the FIFA side is lumbered with Infantino as a captain/black hole into which balls go but never come back, but the global governing body beat UEFA in the final.
If the VIP footie tournament is one of the highlights of the week, the other great bit of theatre is watching Ceferin make no attempt whatsoever to hide his disdain for FIFA events.
The simmering tension between the Slovenian boss of UEFA and Infantino could power a summer football tournament but Ceferin really outdid himself this week, which was some achievement after last year’s effort when he left the congress in Rwanda to open a UEFA-sponsored football project in Uganda.
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This time, Ceferin failed to return to his front-row seat on the stage above the congress floor after the half-time coffee break. Nobody seemed to have the first idea why he had gone early; all anyone knew was that yes, he was off-ski, as was Hungary’s Sandor Csanyi, another of FIFA’s eight vice-presidents.
While this was quite funny — and practical, as the traffic back to the airport was a nightmare — it was also a bit… well, rude.
Because Ceferin did not just miss Infantino’s closing remarks and his master plan for defeating racism — eight years after declaring racism defeated — he also missed the vote to decide the hosts of the 2027 Women’s World Cup.
A fight that he had a dog in, so to speak, as a joint bid from Belgium, Netherlands and Germany was taking on Brazil.
OK, everyone in the room knew that Brazil had it sewn up several months ago, but you would like to think the captain of the UEFA ship would not be off in a lifeboat before Seedorf and Co had even started their final presentation.
In terms of suspense, we had to wait an hour or so for FIFA to publish how each member association actually voted.
The results revealed that Brazil won 119 to 78, which was a little bit closer than many were predicting, with the “BNG” bid being backed by every other member of UEFA apart from Russia. There is always one. They also picked up votes from China and several small islands in the Caribbean and Pacific. No idea why.
The rest of the world backed Brazil, which is fair enough. South America has not staged a Women’s World Cup yet. It is their turn.
That said, it will be interesting to see how it justifies the higher “commercial” rating it got from the FIFA bid evaluators despite the European bid having higher projections for broadcast, ticketing and sponsorship income.
I would have asked Infantino about it but he was last seen racing towards a service elevator while FIFA press officers subtly blocked the remnants of the pursuing press pack, like Benjamin White does for Arsenal at set pieces.
Maybe that is how they survive the coming of AI. Chatbots cannot learn the dark arts.
(Top photo: Pakawich Damrongkiattisak – FIFA via Getty Images)
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Based in North West England, Matt Slater is a senior football news reporter for The Athletic UK. Before that, he spent 16 years with the BBC and then three years as chief sports reporter for the UK/Ireland’s main news agency, PA. Follow Matt on Twitter @mjshrimper
